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For Womben Who Have Outsourced Their Power

The emblems of my truth pulsate at the very core of my being. I do not speak for sympathy, compassion attention, or anything for myself to gain. I have an overflowingly strong support system and I am thankfully grounded in that unconditional love from mySelf, Source, Goddess, God, Earth, family, and friends in which I deeply trust, respect, love, and admire.


What I do speak for is womben across the globe who have silenced the truths of their bodies due to internalized shame. Who have denied their intuition and instead outsourced their power to entities -that they believed- who told them that their pain is solely their fault (rather than an incongruence with their truth - that maybe it was their body screaming to exfoliate the parasitic intruder[s]; their power begging to resurface). For womben who believed the entities that silenced their radiance when they told them that THEY need to keep working hard to prove to these very forces/entities outside of themselves that they are worthy of love, respect, and honor.


I speak my truth because I know my worth. I took an oath of commitment to my worth - to loving, honoring, and protecting me. {read vows}.


And for the moments I forget - GRATITUDE to my beloved team that reminds me. Gratitude to all who witness me.


I know that there is a fine line between sharing wisdom from personal experience vulnerably, and creating an energetic leakage in my own being from oversharing. I value leadership from vulnerability and, as my previous partner has already shared much of their process, I too will share some reflections from mine.


It is interesting for me to look back and see how offerings that I have created for others were really meant for me. (And then of course to share because I am an 11 numerology life path, 10 numerology personality, and a hermit-teacher in human design, scorpio-sun-pisces-moon-aquarius-rising....y'all get it lol - CAN'T KEEP THESE WISE DOWNLOADS FROM BEYOND ME FOR MYSELF.)


In 2021-2022 I looked back at paintings that I made after a season of shaming myself for 'not creating/painting enough' for art shows etcetera, only to realize that I DID create some dope pieces, while I was simultaneously becoming the womban embodiment IN those paintings.


I look back to this time (Spring) of last year 2023 when I was creating my Wise Queen Codes course offerings - telling the story of Innana and Persephone's descent into the underworld, initiated by the Dark Masculine (external, internal, or explicitly both), to be born anew. The maiden meeting the crone in the void and coming out of that void/underworld as Queen with the embodiment of the Crone's wisdom to define her Queendom and hold herself and all those in her field to the standards of it.


For a woman to naively outsource her power, journey to her depths at rock bottom, retrieve inner strength + power + grace, and to rise - Queen of the Underworld and The Spring. THAT'S THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.


It is so interesting for me to look back at my last Spring, my inner naive maiden; I was living in my fullest desires abroad, but couldn't quite picture and put together all of the details for my upcoming queendom as I anticipated my upcoming return to the PNW in the Summer just yet -- I could see living in my own space, leading workshops, yoga classes, community, travel, deepening tantric wisdom, and eventually attracting a partner who shared similar passions - and boiii did I get those things [gratitude]....but the relational and financial details were a little blurry.

When I look at my last Summer, my inner mother/queen; she DIIID that shit - came back from Costa Rica and bought a car, visited my parents in San Diego, flew back to Seattle and signed a lease to a dope apartment and moved all of my stuff in [mostly] by myself, and started working a few new aligned jobs....I was getting into my groove. But the cracks in the foundation from my Spring surely showed. The naivety of maiden dominated and I ended up getting into a relationship when I promised myself I would be in devotion to myself and the goddess. I gave an inch and a mile was taken. And then ten miles. And eventually a marathon. Having just married myself in the Spring, I outsourced my power in terms of how I showed up in the community, how I showed up online - shifting my presence to be of liberated female sovereignty to pressured words/images for the psychological and emotional security/benefit/possession/control of another. I allowed myself to be criticized regarding who I held close to me in my life, what I wore, how I expressed myself, how I wrote in my diary, the practice I did in the morning, what music I listened to. And don't get me wrong I didn't just give my power away for fun - there was good stuff too.

I reflect on my past Autumn, my inner wild woman - she begged me to draw boundaries. Which I did! And went back on them time and time again. Abandoning desires of polyamory, celibacy, security, reciprocity, respect....I allowed myself to be love bombed into abandoning parts of myself that begged me to be embraced. There were synchronicities to point me in the direction of self-abandonment?! I was so confused. Then I remember Source placing a client that I worked with in my life the previous year who unearthed the message, the synchronicities take you on a path to which you get to CHOOSE love or not. And on this path I thought I chose love, but it was not always that. I ended up in this facade of putting up an image of a 'perfect poster couple' to please my partner, to which the pleasing was insatiable. Things intensified. Quickly.

As I reflect on this past season of winter, my inner crone. The voices grew louder and louder and louder. The incongruence of the rhythms of my life from my values was palpable. If there is one thing that I learned, these nigglings don't go away. They manifest as a shaking body, racing thoughts, tunnel vision, eye twitches, skin rashes, disrupted menstrual cycle, and visceral anxiety and depression. I take full responsibility for abandoning the truth of my body and outsourcing my power to big promises, despite my body's rejection to the crimson red flags echoed by my soul team surrounding me. My inner crone met me in rock bottom and I STILL tried to push her aside. "I am just going to give it a little longer. I am going to give it all that I got. I can stay true to my boundaries (ps - very hard to do within relationships of manipulation, power, and control)." There were lines exponentially crossed. The lack of accountability and lack of emotional validation was eminent and undeniable. Gratefully, my soul team welcomed me with open arms, after months of rejecting their care. I was humbled.

I am grateful for the Spring. For rebirth. For my inner maiden to be met again. To get to go through these cycles on macro (seasons of the year) and micro (inner seasons of my menstrual cycle each month). This go around I grant myself SPACE to EMBRACE the wisdom of MY BODY. To FOCUS on my offerings, my bliss, and those who accept me as I am and celebrate my joys and hold me in my processes with care. I am alive. And for all womben who have abandoned themselves and allowed the most radiant parts of themselves to die, I stand with you. Together we too rebirth. Hand in hand. Paths parallel. Embodying the same awakening for all of humanity - the feminine is multifaceted, raw, and her power is undeniably felt now more than even in the past thousands of years.


For all the womben who have outsourced their power, and welcome a rebirth on newly fertilized soil, I stand with you. I see you. I love you. And I feel the Goddess within us all.


Rebirth


I awaken the innocence of my inner child.


I call upon the fertility of my inner maiden.


I revere the strength of my inner warrior.


I honor the wisdom of my inner crone.


I admire the power of my inner queen.


I revel in the freedom and beauty of my inner merwomban.


I drip in the seduction of my inner vixon.


And I roll around in the Mother with my inner wild womban.


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